I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
