he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
