Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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