She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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