I am spending my child support on dildos
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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