I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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