So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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