I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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