I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
