dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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