I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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