thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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