Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
