The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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