Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
