Texts From Last Night

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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!

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  (609): Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?! (267): This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room.. (609): AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?! http://tfl.nu/dtle
  Replies (37) Good night (816) Bad night (3635)
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?

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  (309): My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do? http://tfl.nu/tx29
  Replies (46) Good night (8856) Bad night (1247)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.

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  (206): He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go. http://tfl.nu/rhri
  Replies (13) Good night (2183) Bad night (3671)
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.

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  (270): Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night. http://tfl.nu/gp7l
  Replies (7) Good night (2577) Bad night (1497)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.

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  (832): Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse. http://tfl.nu/qyce
  Replies (4) Good night (849) Bad night (3014)
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.

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  (870): Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear. http://tfl.nu/uzj4
  Replies (8) Good night (2924) Bad night (974)
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  (352): View more from Florida

  he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled

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  (352): he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled http://tfl.nu/6wmo
  Replies (2) Good night (1810) Bad night (742)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Why did I wake up holding food tongs?

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  (570): Why did I wake up holding food tongs? http://tfl.nu/i1yj
  Replies (6) Good night (1817) Bad night (841)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.

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  (513): Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right. http://tfl.nu/n7uj
  Replies (2) Good night (827) Bad night (538)
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.

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  (423): We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off. http://tfl.nu/yele
  Replies (17) Good night (3102) Bad night (430)
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  (408): View more from California

  I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not

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  (408): I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not http://tfl.nu/5y8f
  Replies (2) Good night (588) Bad night (271)
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?

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  (320): How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash? http://tfl.nu/c8co
  Replies (13) Good night (719) Bad night (315)
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  (716): View more from New York

  I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.

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  (716): I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me. http://tfl.nu/jxfi
  Replies (5) Good night (716) Bad night (315)
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship

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  (414): it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship http://tfl.nu/ya21
  Replies (1) Good night (472) Bad night (276)
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed

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  (608): I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed http://tfl.nu/mucx
  Replies (0) Good night (354) Bad night (329)

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