When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I touched a dick in church today