Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.