Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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