some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
