he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
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Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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