I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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