there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
