doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
