Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
