So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
