you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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