My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
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