I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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