Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I had to cum in my sink.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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