he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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