the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
