Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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