It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
