two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
