either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
