Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
