Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
