you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
