Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
