My room smells like vodka and shame
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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