dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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