I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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