you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
