is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
