i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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