tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
