If i come over, it means nothing
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
