I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
