at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you didnt know i had herpes?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
