We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
