Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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